The latest issue of Philadelphia Magazine, the main long-form journalism source in this city, asks “Who Earns What” in Philly, ranging from professional athletes, politicians and regular-ass workers, all of whom are holding down something commonly known as a “job” (unlike the above-it-all editors of Philly Fan Complex).

What can be said with authority, however, is Philly Mag’s aim to re-stoke the fire that was the Anti-Michael Vick Bandwagon, a deluge of criticism lasting until everyone realized Vick had little to no impact on the team this season. According to Philly Mag, though, Vick’s primary occupation for which he earned $1.6 million this season was not toting around a clipboard or weakly attempting to recover a fumble in the playoffs; rather, it was “Dog Abuser,” as he was labeled on the magazine’s cover. This surely was a tactic to sell magazines, as Vick is listed as “Eagles quarterback” inside the magazine.

There is no need to delve into the story of Vick the Convict again; it has been hashed out and dissected to death. By the magazine’s standards, however, each occupation chronicled in the issue should have been labeled by their misdeeds, rather than their actual source of income. Yet, the magazine does not single out any other individuals. With some creative brainstorming among the Philly Fan Complex staff, we came up with a number of other alternative occupations for the issue:

• John Bolaris, Forecast Inventor
• SEPTA bus driver, Professional Picketer
• City of Philadelphia Police Officer, Crooked Cop
• Personal Trainer, Steroid Distributor
• Sperm Donor, Porn Addict
• Pilot, Incompetent Navigator
• Dog Walker, Eagles quarterback Laid-Off Babysitter

This is by no means a defense of Vick, but the man did his time and appears to have put his past behind him (except for the mediocre quarterbacking part). Rather, it is an example of the magazine’s apparent need to showcase its collective cleverness, as editors chuckle amongst themselves in their Center City high-rise, tugging each other while grinning manically at their prize. “Look how damn funny we are, Dick—we’ll show that man exactly what he has done.”

And yes—he has done it, but the Philadelphia Magazine cover was not about reminding Vick of exactly what he has done. It was about showing how smart they could be.

Fortunately, with Vick likely not back with the team next season, we won’t have to hear anymore about this. Good riddance to Vick and the opportunity he presented to the smarmy editors in Philadelphia.

Nice job, Philly Mag.