50 years ago today, the good ole’ U.S. defeated the crazy Canucks to win gold in men’s hockey at the Squaw Valley Winter Olympics, and Canada has been bitter ever since.

For the past 50 years, Canada has attempted to portray the persona of an utopian society free of racism, poverty, and even fractions. Free healthcare and college are just some of the fine points that our neighbor to the north has thrown in our face to show how much more of a sophisticated and humanitarian society they are.

But if Canada is so good, what’s with the huge influx of Canadians immigrating to the United States to make it big? Could William Shatner have captained the Starship Enterprise from his studio apartment in Montreal? Alex Trebek wouldn’t look quite as smart if the Final Jeopardy topic every night was “Maple Syrup, ehh?”

“I’ll take shirtless game show hosts with salt-and-pepper mustaches for $200, please.”

Their cities may be clean on the outside, but if you dig down deep enough, you will find the true face of Canadian Society: A community entrenched with enough Socialist empathy to make Joseph McCarthy spin in his grave. An unemployment rate almost in the double digits and tax rates that would wipe the smile right off Dudley Do Right’s face have dug Canada into a depression far greater than any Seasonal Affective Disorder could produce. I fear the only thing holding that country together is the sticky residue of leftover flapjacks and maple syrup.

Well, America, no matter what problems you’re having, you can always be proud that you live in a country founded on the rights of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness—and if that pursuit of happiness requires going out on the ice and smashing an over-privileged 22-year-old named Sidney Crosby into the boards, then so be it.

Your pursuit won’t just be tolerated by all Americans, it will be celebrated. So today, when you are watching the Americans beat the Canucks at their own game, keep in mind that even though Canada is to our North, they will always be below us. Team USA!!!