You may have noticed a gaping hole in your life, unrelated to the downward spiral of everything falling apart around you. It’s true; we’ve been sorely lacking in content these past few weeks. Lacking so sorely, in fact, that it was down next to nothing. Right next to nothing. So close to nothing it might as well have been nothing. Because it was.

But as the summer months have rolled from July to August with swift, terrible oppression, the weather has finally broken; the veil has been lifted. Yes, it is indeed true, folks: Brett Myers is back in Philadelphia.

And so are we. Maybe not physically, or at least permanently, in a 24/7/365 sense, but our consciousness is back on the vibrant Philly scene, just in time for the baseball stretch run, Kevin Kolb’s first season as starter and Flyers training camp. And Doug Collins. And Red Bull Flugtag.

Maybe all that was needed was a hair-pulling incident or a black eye from having a catch with a kid. Maybe none of that matters at all. The fact is, as Brett Myers takes the mound tonight at Citizens Bank Park, you can rest easy knowing Philly Fan Complex is back on the scene, Philadelphia business privilege taxes be damned. And that Sam Carchidi will not be there to pick a fight with Jacksonville’s second most famous native son (behind Fred Durst, of course):

“How do you spell ‘retard’?”

Fortunately, Carchidi has a foil on his current beat with the Flyers, one captain Mike Richards.

(PFC legal team note: Philly Fan Complex resides outside the limits of The City of Philadelphia, and therefore will not be ensnared in this vicious revenue scheme. You’ll just have to settle for the parking tickets.)

Boston fans were still riding high from their six-game series win over the Cavs, but Philly-native Rasheed couldn’t resist the opportunity to remind those same fans of the impending fate of their hockey team—and who exactly would deal the death blow.

Who knew Rasheed was a Flyers fan—he doesn’t exactly strike you as a hockey guy—but it’s good to see a Philadelphia guy staying true in enemy territory.

Do us a favor and thank your mother for all she has done for you. Happy Mother’s Day!

We are glad to be back with you at Philly Fan Complex. As you may have noticed over the past two weeks, our content has been lacking. By lacking, we mean nonexistent. Again, this is something you may or may not have noticed in your thrice-hourly visits to our site, but we figured enough of you had noticed that it should be addressed.

If one were to explain the gaping hole left in the Philadelphia sports community by our seemingly sudden and tragic fall from the media landscape, then one should file it under the “Blowing Off Steam” category. Commonly this is known as “Vacation”, or “Temporary Lapse in Sanity”, but this can be accurately chalked up to the seductive lure of greenbacks, distilled spirits and a general longing for sun, water and lounging.

You the reader have made this a profitable venture. Exclusive Swiss banks hound us around the clock, begging for our capital. Rather than stash it, however, we figured the only proper thing to do would be to enjoy it, a small portion at a time. Read: all at once.

Pure and simple, the money went to our heads. We thought there was nothing to do but take off immediately for the nearest private tropical island, gobble up all the available real estate and build private vacation homes for our dearest 50 friends and acquaintances, in which we would whittle away our days drenched in pure agave tequila and shriveling like a raisin in the sun. Don’t ever let someone tell you money doesn’t go to your head. (Except you, Ryan Howard.)

And on a related note, don’t let anyone tell you that money is infinite (Especially you, Lenny Dykstra). Our venture into a lifelong vacation was abruptly cut short at 12 days by the minor hiccup of account overdraft. So we fled, like Ambien zombie Tiger, back to the cruel yet merciful mistress known as the Philly Fan Complex.

In short, that explains where we’ve gone and where we’ve been. But now we’re back, baby, and as Andy Reid always says: “Donovan will be our starting quarterback.” Whoops.

Time’s yours.

With Nike’s bizarre Tiger Woods/Earl Woods one-sided dialogue commercial that we can’t help but feel Donald Draper was involved in spurring the next great wave of re-dubbed advertising, we now present the best in “Tiger Woods staring at the camera in black and white”:

Dee Snider certainly approves

Earl Woods, starring Morgan Freeman

The only thing worse?

Maury: “Tiger, you are the father!”

“Boogieboogieboogieboogieboogie.”

The best advertisement for TigerText yet

Explicit rap claims another victim

Rick Roll’d!

Yes, this is real life

And Phil Mickelson is the blue-ass baboon

We hate that, too

This year’s sample is sublime. Mixed with a haunting piano soundtrack, the league’s advertising agency of choice took old footage of classic moments in the Stanley Cup playoffs and asked the question, “What if?”

These are not those commercials, though. Hockey fans have twisted minds, as we are constantly reminded, and the best part of these ads for them is the opportunity to make their own slightly less romantic versions. The only thing missing is a “Leon Stickle offside” version.

What if Patrik Stefan hadn’t been the first overall pick in the 1999 NHL Draft?

What if Donald Brashear had been on the Canadiens?

What if he’d tried this in the All-Star Game shootout competition? He would’ve won.

What if Brown had never gone down? We’d never have DownGoesBrown.com.

What if Ryan Miller had been in net?

What if Pittsburgh had real announcers?

What if Canadian teams actually made money? They wouldn’t have been moved in the first place.

What if Toskala played for the Flyers? He would’ve gotten hurt.

What if Eric Lindros had kept his head up?

What if this had been the Olympics? Same result.

What if Kerry Fraser didn’t have such fantastic hair?

And the most pressing question in hockey history:

What if Gordon Bombay drove with Dany Heatley?

April Fool’s Day is the perfect day to prank people who already suspect to be pranked. If they catch on right away, it’s good for a quick laugh and then forgotten.

If they go along, however, you’re in for a good amount of fun.

Philadelphia loves colorful athletes, especially those who can pull off a quality ruse. Brett Myers prank on Kyle Kendrick a few seasons ago was the stuff of legends, as was the Flyers broadcast team convincing Steve Coates it was mandatory to wear a helmet between the benches during play.

With that in mind, here are some ideas for pranks that Philadelphia sports personalities could use on this holiest of holy days:

Chase Utley: Go on live television and set up your sentences so that it sounds like you’re about to curse, but stop short. Then, when the producers let their guard down, drop a hard F.

Jamie Moyer: Fool around with hitters by throwing low-80s fastballs while they swing and miss impatiently.

Mike Richards: Go to the bar before tonight’s game and order water with a lemon.

Angelo Cataldi: Take the day off, then pretend your absence greatly affects the quality of the morning show.

Cole Hamels: Call Comcast Xfinity and tell them you’re switching to Verizon.

Brett Myers: Tell reporters that Ed Wade’s black eye occurred when you were having a catch with him.

Brian Boucher: This can be an extended prank. Go on a hot streak where you’re playing the best hockey of your career, and wait for the obligatory “Have the Flyers found their goalie?” articles. Then, fall apart in the playoffs.

Andy Reid: Call a press conference to announce a trade: Chris Gocong to the Cleveland Browns for a fifth-round pick.

Asante Samuel: Tackle somebody and act like you’ve done it before.

The 76ers: Announce a new fan contest: HORSE vs. Andre Iguodala. Winner gets Iguodala’s contract and, with five Lipton Iced Tea labels, two Sixers tickets.

Charlie Manuel: Tell Shane Victorino that Spam is really diced up Hawaiian meth heads. Then, replace his personal line of t-shirts with Ed Hardy shirts and see if he notices.

Scott Hartnell: Go an entire shift without falling down on the ice. Convince Peter Laviolette to choose you in a shootout and punctuate the trick by tripping over the blue line.

Roy Halladay: Wait until a day when two pitchers on your team receive bad medical news, then give up four runs in the first inning to your former team five days before opening day. Suggest you’re nervous about SI cover jinx. Wait for the flood of “We should have kept Lee…”, then go back to being Roy Halladay.

Ruben Amaro: Use persuasion to convince Jayson Werth that his beard is negatively affecting his monetary value in a contract year, which obviously is not true.

Ryan Howard: Tell everyone that in order to become a complete player, you must not strikeout so much. Then, hit 25 less home runs with 100 less strikeouts and act surprised when people aren’t happy.

Stacy Andrews: Do an interview where you tell the writer a bunch of manly cliches about playing tough, physical football to assuage the fans, then do another interview in which you say Shawn is considered the stable one in the family.

Howard Eskin: Go an entire radio show without referring to yourself, hanging up on callers or pretending you’re friends with Charles Barkley.

Dan Carcillo: Commit an offense that anyone else would only receive a minor penalty for. Get suspended for it.

Gonzo: Write a column expounding the virtues of hockey fans everywhere, and how it is and always has been your one true love. Then, reveal the prank and end the column with “That sound you hear is hockey fans storming to their computer to write me an angry letter.”

David Murphy: Write a blog post breaking down the numbers on how Ryan Madson’s career stacks up with Brad Lidge’s, showing how he shares the same track as Lidge in becoming a closer. Load it up with stats and numbers, then pretend people read it.

Ed Snider: Lash out at the critics who say you’ve lost your championship desire, then go back to California and see if they believe you.

Can we please get this guy to announce the Masters alongside Bill Rafferty?

Johnson: “Tiiiger…lines up for the puuuuuutt… IT’S IN THE HOLE! IT’S IN THE HOLE! TIGER WOODS PUTS IT IN THE HOOOOOLE!”

Rafferty: “ONIONS!”

http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/atq/1656787328.html

In honor of Ron Washington stunning the baseball world by testing positive for cocaine when no one knew the league drug tested managers, we present the animated classic “Doc Ellis and the LSD-25 No-No”:

http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/clt/1650283443.html

Dumbass.

http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/spo/1648994590.html

http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/app/1648127435.html

http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/bks/1646071069.html